i just haven't known what to say. more spcifically, i haven't wanted to try and fail to express reality adequately.
but i haven't given up trying completely.
not yet.
11.07.2010
9.30.2010
dear boston,
thanks for fourteen great years. it's been fun, i learned a lot, and i promise i'll come back to visit. you know, i didn't really see myself ever saying this, but...you've been a good home. now it's time to move. i'll miss you when i'm gone.
love,
georgia
love,
georgia
9.26.2010
humblepresents.
Lately, I have been asking God to show me little glimpses of Himself - things about who He is, and how He loves us. And, faithfully, He has done just that. And other things too. But I just want to share this.
Yesterday was Fonda's birthday, and I didn't see her too much - just in the morning when we had breakfast with her mom & stepdad & Bobo the puppy. So I didn't have the chance to give her what I made her, which is a very small gift. It is made of almost entirely paper, and It wasn't wrapped, and actually, I haven't even finished it yet. It's almost nothing - it will not last forever, and it certainly has no material value. I admitted to her that I was a little bit insecure about it. And she insisted that I show it to her, right then. I showed it to her. And she loved it - or at least she told me she did - but I think she really did. Then I was arranging the mugs (our cabinet holds them quite tightly...and...also I like to arrange things) and in the cabinet, in its home, was the little teacup that she gave me because I told her about how, at home, we have these teacups that are actually the size of small bowls. And that I eat everything out of them. The next day, she came home with a little bowl-sized teacup...perfect for eating out of and being at home with. That was a small gift, too. A humblepresent that I completely loved just because she saw it and thought to give it to me, to remind me of home. You know, maybe that's how God feels when we offer up what little we have...a little fleck of praise, a tiny scrap of gratitude...I think...I hope, that in those He is loved back. Of course this is hard to imagine, since He offers perfect love and anything short of perfect is...well, imperfect. This is where grace comes crashing down and reminds me that, thank GOODNESS, I do not have to earn my love from God. Because if I did I could never even hope to possess it. So, even though He freely gives and asks nothing in return, He graciously accepts our humblepresents. And maybe he laughs a little bit too as we present them.
Yesterday was Fonda's birthday, and I didn't see her too much - just in the morning when we had breakfast with her mom & stepdad & Bobo the puppy. So I didn't have the chance to give her what I made her, which is a very small gift. It is made of almost entirely paper, and It wasn't wrapped, and actually, I haven't even finished it yet. It's almost nothing - it will not last forever, and it certainly has no material value. I admitted to her that I was a little bit insecure about it. And she insisted that I show it to her, right then. I showed it to her. And she loved it - or at least she told me she did - but I think she really did. Then I was arranging the mugs (our cabinet holds them quite tightly...and...also I like to arrange things) and in the cabinet, in its home, was the little teacup that she gave me because I told her about how, at home, we have these teacups that are actually the size of small bowls. And that I eat everything out of them. The next day, she came home with a little bowl-sized teacup...perfect for eating out of and being at home with. That was a small gift, too. A humblepresent that I completely loved just because she saw it and thought to give it to me, to remind me of home. You know, maybe that's how God feels when we offer up what little we have...a little fleck of praise, a tiny scrap of gratitude...I think...I hope, that in those He is loved back. Of course this is hard to imagine, since He offers perfect love and anything short of perfect is...well, imperfect. This is where grace comes crashing down and reminds me that, thank GOODNESS, I do not have to earn my love from God. Because if I did I could never even hope to possess it. So, even though He freely gives and asks nothing in return, He graciously accepts our humblepresents. And maybe he laughs a little bit too as we present them.
9.23.2010
it appears to me the graph has come and stolen all the laughs.
You know what? I like math. I like that it is formulated, clean-slated, and consistent. When packing, there are no odd corners of things that end up not fitting in the truck with math (well, sometimes there are...but they have names for that). It reminds me of ice cube trays; there is a specific purpose and when used properly, they always work. Unless the freezer is broken. Or unless it is cracked. Or, unless it is out of context. If an ice cube tray were to be found one day by a woods person, who had never known civilization on the level of freezers and ice cubes, the piece of matter would be approachable, surely, but completely unknowable in the context of the woods. The ice cube tray, while in its habitat of civilization and freezers, functions perfectly, fluidly, and flawlessly. But in the woods, in the hands of a woods person, it is a mystery. It is unclassifiable. Its use and praiseworthy efficiency is lost for appreciation because it is miserably out of context and its miserable possessor has no knowledge of that context.
I am the woods person, sometimes. I am out of context of this ice cube tray. I can approach it, hold it, think about it, think of ways to use it...but to make sense of it, in these woods, is guesswork. People who know about ice cube trays either don't really live in the woods, or got told a secret that I didn't.
Math would leave the odd-cornered object on the curb. I would rather gather my sweater and suck up the cold and shove, senselessly if need be, to fit whatever angle didn't fit into the truck. For sentimentality's sake.
This is probably how I have come to be known as a non-linear, abstract, right-brain, gray thinker.
If I were Sia, I would be the alphabet; you can be the calculator. No thanks, buddy.
I like math. I can appreciate it. But in many ways math makes me want to cry and throw up...it heaps unexpectedly vivid memories of high school math class on my dining room table. Ever since college, I've thought that if I ever were to try to write a book and I needed an arbitrary model for an unusual character, I could always use the tendencies of many of the teachers I had in high school.
There was Miss Wigfall, in seventh grade..."Everyone together! 'To-diVIDE-by-a-NUMber-is-to-MULtiply-by-the..." What was that again? Reciprocal? And in ninth grade, I had Mr. Cao, for whom "You're gonna fail my test, Mallory" was a euphemism for hello. And Miss Fingerman...which I will not even joke about, because there is nothing funny about that memory. You may think I am being dramatic...and I can't blame you for that. In fact, the impact math has made on my life leads me to suspect that perhaps math itself is somewhat of a drama queen. And I can't say I really like it getting away with that, especially since it's supposedly so level-headed, and I'm one of the kids she likes to pick on. But, I'm going to let it go, because having math in my life has done a few good things. Being here, in the mid-afternoon on a weekday, staring into a math book in the room just off the kitchen reminds me of growing up, and home. It reminds me of a different side of what it feels like to be fourteen - wondering if maybe I'm a people person, and not a numbers person, because for some reason I just didn't get math when I didn't get my teacher. (I had a load of theories about why math was so difficult for me...many were less-edifying than this one). Remembering math comes simultaneously with remembering figuring it out...I was searching, rummaging ravenously during the years I spent in math class.
People always say, "back when I was growing up", as if growing up is ever done. I haven't had much time to think of that action as a thing of the past. But lately, I have begun to. I was growing up during those math-class years. I was going through lists of possibilities about who I would become, crossing off and trying and re-trying strategies about being. There is something so sweet about remembering that time now - not because it was a warm fuzzy time in my life...it wasn't really, because I wasn't...but what makes it worth the memory is that I am not that person anymore. I am wholly different...reborn. And I don't mean I've got myself all figured out or anything, or, in fact, that I've done anything. The figuring...the work...the peace that comes from ceasing the rummage for meaning, purpose, identity...all comes from the giver of life.
To me, math may be a decontextualized, plastic, unsentimental mean-girl drama queen that just doesn't know when to cut a poor woods person a break. But that's okay. Because math also, and more importantly, reminds me to re-live, and to then rejoice...and to PRAISE THE LORD because He gave me HIS identity for my own, rescuing me from my own stupid plans; taking away every trial and error I made in my account.
That's a good enough reason to study for this test, and to pass it. And after that even stay on good terms with math. Because even math can point my gaze to the greatest gift I've ever received.
I am the woods person, sometimes. I am out of context of this ice cube tray. I can approach it, hold it, think about it, think of ways to use it...but to make sense of it, in these woods, is guesswork. People who know about ice cube trays either don't really live in the woods, or got told a secret that I didn't.
Math would leave the odd-cornered object on the curb. I would rather gather my sweater and suck up the cold and shove, senselessly if need be, to fit whatever angle didn't fit into the truck. For sentimentality's sake.
This is probably how I have come to be known as a non-linear, abstract, right-brain, gray thinker.
If I were Sia, I would be the alphabet; you can be the calculator. No thanks, buddy.
I like math. I can appreciate it. But in many ways math makes me want to cry and throw up...it heaps unexpectedly vivid memories of high school math class on my dining room table. Ever since college, I've thought that if I ever were to try to write a book and I needed an arbitrary model for an unusual character, I could always use the tendencies of many of the teachers I had in high school.
There was Miss Wigfall, in seventh grade..."Everyone together! 'To-diVIDE-by-a-NUMber-is-to-MULtiply-by-the..." What was that again? Reciprocal? And in ninth grade, I had Mr. Cao, for whom "You're gonna fail my test, Mallory" was a euphemism for hello. And Miss Fingerman...which I will not even joke about, because there is nothing funny about that memory. You may think I am being dramatic...and I can't blame you for that. In fact, the impact math has made on my life leads me to suspect that perhaps math itself is somewhat of a drama queen. And I can't say I really like it getting away with that, especially since it's supposedly so level-headed, and I'm one of the kids she likes to pick on. But, I'm going to let it go, because having math in my life has done a few good things. Being here, in the mid-afternoon on a weekday, staring into a math book in the room just off the kitchen reminds me of growing up, and home. It reminds me of a different side of what it feels like to be fourteen - wondering if maybe I'm a people person, and not a numbers person, because for some reason I just didn't get math when I didn't get my teacher. (I had a load of theories about why math was so difficult for me...many were less-edifying than this one). Remembering math comes simultaneously with remembering figuring it out...I was searching, rummaging ravenously during the years I spent in math class.
People always say, "back when I was growing up", as if growing up is ever done. I haven't had much time to think of that action as a thing of the past. But lately, I have begun to. I was growing up during those math-class years. I was going through lists of possibilities about who I would become, crossing off and trying and re-trying strategies about being. There is something so sweet about remembering that time now - not because it was a warm fuzzy time in my life...it wasn't really, because I wasn't...but what makes it worth the memory is that I am not that person anymore. I am wholly different...reborn. And I don't mean I've got myself all figured out or anything, or, in fact, that I've done anything. The figuring...the work...the peace that comes from ceasing the rummage for meaning, purpose, identity...all comes from the giver of life.
To me, math may be a decontextualized, plastic, unsentimental mean-girl drama queen that just doesn't know when to cut a poor woods person a break. But that's okay. Because math also, and more importantly, reminds me to re-live, and to then rejoice...and to PRAISE THE LORD because He gave me HIS identity for my own, rescuing me from my own stupid plans; taking away every trial and error I made in my account.
That's a good enough reason to study for this test, and to pass it. And after that even stay on good terms with math. Because even math can point my gaze to the greatest gift I've ever received.
9.22.2010
first day of fall!
There's only one degree of difference in the temperature here and at home..eighty six and eighty seven. Doesn't feel like fall. But, it is. I am so excited to experience fall in Dahlonega! It's supposed to be pretty great. SO pumped.
I've been reading today from Exodus 37...i read it this morning, as well as Matthew Henry's Commentary on the chapter. (We have two copies of the enormous book version in our little library. Turns out the whole thing is online..) I like reading the commentary with certain passages sometimes when I'm at a loss for how to contextualize them or connect with them. If you've ever read Exodus 37, you know it's one of those that give measurements and details about the structure of something the Israelites built - which, with all due respect to the Word, isn't that engaging of a read. But the commentary draws out the significance of what seem like irrelevant details.
Henry reminds us that the book was written for the Israelites, and that it was imperative for them to have these things written down so that they wouldn't forget. And also because this knowledge was from God, making it an immense treasure. He says, "the great things of God's law and gospel we need to have inculcated (which means to instill by persistent instruction) upon us again and again. Isn't that the truth! What a great word. I'm going to implement that into my vocab list this week...which i actually haven't made up yet. I haven't told you this yet, but that's one of the things I'm doing with all the time in the world: expanding my vocabulary.
Back to the point...there is more I could say just about this passage, about the glory locked into it. But I am by no means qualified to preach on what the Bible says and what it means..instead I'll just say how deeply joyful I am because I have the great opportunity of reading it. And by reading it, I am learning its author. Which is the greatest joy and delight there is.
It is thundering outside. Just a little change in the wind..and the season.
I've been reading today from Exodus 37...i read it this morning, as well as Matthew Henry's Commentary on the chapter. (We have two copies of the enormous book version in our little library. Turns out the whole thing is online..) I like reading the commentary with certain passages sometimes when I'm at a loss for how to contextualize them or connect with them. If you've ever read Exodus 37, you know it's one of those that give measurements and details about the structure of something the Israelites built - which, with all due respect to the Word, isn't that engaging of a read. But the commentary draws out the significance of what seem like irrelevant details.
Henry reminds us that the book was written for the Israelites, and that it was imperative for them to have these things written down so that they wouldn't forget. And also because this knowledge was from God, making it an immense treasure. He says, "the great things of God's law and gospel we need to have inculcated (which means to instill by persistent instruction) upon us again and again. Isn't that the truth! What a great word. I'm going to implement that into my vocab list this week...which i actually haven't made up yet. I haven't told you this yet, but that's one of the things I'm doing with all the time in the world: expanding my vocabulary.
Back to the point...there is more I could say just about this passage, about the glory locked into it. But I am by no means qualified to preach on what the Bible says and what it means..instead I'll just say how deeply joyful I am because I have the great opportunity of reading it. And by reading it, I am learning its author. Which is the greatest joy and delight there is.
It is thundering outside. Just a little change in the wind..and the season.
9.21.2010
it is 11:31
it is 11:31...and up until an hour and thirty-one minutes ago, design*sponge was taking applications for a sneak-peek research intern position. i can't believe it. i would have actually been qualified, too - it's a long-distance position, and they want someone who can look out for peek-ops. most of you know this..but design*sponge is one of my top three favorite thing about the internet. and the sneak peek column is my favorite thing about design*sponge. and i am part-time unemployed, so..sad.
---
i just asked hannah and jordan what they thought i should do. because i couldn't quite just let it go. they thought it was worth a shot...so i just applied! i know, my hopes aren't set on it...at all. but i can't even imagine what would happen if they let me have it.
i had intentions of saying other things, originally. but i don't remeber how i was planning on expressing them. today wasn't easy. tomorrow, i think, will be better.
---
i just asked hannah and jordan what they thought i should do. because i couldn't quite just let it go. they thought it was worth a shot...so i just applied! i know, my hopes aren't set on it...at all. but i can't even imagine what would happen if they let me have it.
i had intentions of saying other things, originally. but i don't remeber how i was planning on expressing them. today wasn't easy. tomorrow, i think, will be better.
9.20.2010
9.11.2010
the first rain!
disclaimer: these are all just, thoughts. there is no real conclusion...there are no real points. the only incentive i had to post it was, i spent too much time attempting to let it get away.
---
it's been much longer than i thought! i'll be honest. i've been avoiding the next post. partly because i still don't know how really to be a blogger, which is kind of funny. and partly because i still don't know how to tell you what's really going on. but regarding the last post, because it is both possible and an adopted responsibility, i will do my best.
i have to point out the date..nine eleven. remebering it now is kind of like waking up startled, and panicking for a second, thinking maybe you're late for something. it's distant enough to need that second of re-introduction, before the old recently-wounded feeling sets in. recognizing the date this year feels different, for some reason.
it rained today. i could tell it was going to when i woke up. it's the first time that it's rained since i've been here, and finally, in the middle of the soccer game, at 8:15, it started to rain.
both of these things feel really significant, though i'm not too sure why. nine eleven is significant, but in a terrible way. i must not be an optimist because i can't think of one single good thing that has come out of nine eleven. but remembering it feels strongly...the memory has resonance that it didn't before.
the rain is significant too, for earthy reasons. and there is a lot fo symbolism in the rain, for some people. it's easier to make things sad on a rainy day. but today, rain is significant because it is the first rain of this phase of my life.
something that affects virtually everyone, not heeding anyone's sanction.
and something that affects only me.
i'm not sure if i'll find a conclusion here. these are all just thoughts, and if i hadn't been adding to this post at different points all of today, i probably wouldn't publish it. i guess that says something about me. i keep. i don't like to scrap something i've worked on just to start over from the same things. these are more thoughts...it's a good time to just, stop. the moral of the story is, i feel different. and differently. something is changing..or has changed. i want to wait and see what this has all been about.
---
it's been much longer than i thought! i'll be honest. i've been avoiding the next post. partly because i still don't know how really to be a blogger, which is kind of funny. and partly because i still don't know how to tell you what's really going on. but regarding the last post, because it is both possible and an adopted responsibility, i will do my best.
i have to point out the date..nine eleven. remebering it now is kind of like waking up startled, and panicking for a second, thinking maybe you're late for something. it's distant enough to need that second of re-introduction, before the old recently-wounded feeling sets in. recognizing the date this year feels different, for some reason.
it rained today. i could tell it was going to when i woke up. it's the first time that it's rained since i've been here, and finally, in the middle of the soccer game, at 8:15, it started to rain.
both of these things feel really significant, though i'm not too sure why. nine eleven is significant, but in a terrible way. i must not be an optimist because i can't think of one single good thing that has come out of nine eleven. but remembering it feels strongly...the memory has resonance that it didn't before.
the rain is significant too, for earthy reasons. and there is a lot fo symbolism in the rain, for some people. it's easier to make things sad on a rainy day. but today, rain is significant because it is the first rain of this phase of my life.
something that affects virtually everyone, not heeding anyone's sanction.
and something that affects only me.
i'm not sure if i'll find a conclusion here. these are all just thoughts, and if i hadn't been adding to this post at different points all of today, i probably wouldn't publish it. i guess that says something about me. i keep. i don't like to scrap something i've worked on just to start over from the same things. these are more thoughts...it's a good time to just, stop. the moral of the story is, i feel different. and differently. something is changing..or has changed. i want to wait and see what this has all been about.
8.30.2010
archer hairline & pictures of grace
i have learned something very important. it has to do with this quote:
"Sweet but not saccharine, earnest but not grave..Archer Hairline is designed
to hit just the right notes of forthrightness, credibility, and charm."
i love this quote, but if i didn't know what the author was talking about, i would not have guessed a font. of all things. but that's my point: whoever wrote this worked very hard to choose the words he or she saw most fit to describe the object of description. in this case, the object is wholly undynamic..inactive, unpowerful, and..dead.
it's for the same reason i love jane austen's conversations - we all lament that none of us talk the way "they" did. the words they say to eachother are so formulated - truthfully, it's hard to imagine real people talking about nothing in particular using their best vocabulary. good old jane. i wonder if she knew what she was doing..i bet she did - to be able to hit an honest behavior directly on target the way she does produces some kind of glow. it has a similar feeling to getting a great picture. you know? how it feels when you know you have embedded an image in the memory card SO precious and perfect that it almost makes you afraid to touch the camera, for fear that you might some how accidentally erase it forever. and a picture, comparatively, isn't even that important.
comparatively. compared to the wholly dynamic..active..powerful..living..work of God. how am i, who cannot even come up with an example of something i can't describe, supposed to put to words the acts of a God who is all these things?
it's for the same reason that i love oswald chambers. because on december fifteenth, he writes a thought entitled "approved unto God". rachel just read it to me. and it of course, even though it isn't december fifteenth, (because that doesn't really matter now) he blows us away. it was hearing a piece of his marvelous anthology that drew out the realization that was lurking in my subconscience. the sermon is based on 2 Timothy 2:15, which says this:
"Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not
need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth."
i don't think i would have interpreted this bit of scripture the way he does, and maybe i wouldn't have even gotten from his thoughts what i did if i had not heard it from my friend. here is what he says:
"Struggle to re-express some truth of God to yourself, and God will use that expression to
someone else...Go through the winepress of God where the grapes are crushed. You
must struggle to get expression experimentally..."
it is annoying to have to leave out anything but the whole thought. but this is more or less the concept i am - ironically - struggling to put on the table. i am well acquainted with "truth that has been dumbly struggling in [me] for utterance." i think many of us are. why should we let the truth struggle, when we can fight to set it free? oswald is a reminding us that it is not only a possibility, but a responsibility to work hard enough to say the things that are true...it is most important that we take hold of our right to 'freeing of speech', if you will. and while i am here, this will be my striving point. yes. i am striving to follow the Lord. and as i am, i will strive to find the words that may only brush their feathers against justice to what things He has done. oh, great things He has done.
as the old hymn says: oh tell of His might, oh sing of His grace...it's time now to stop letting the grace go by, uncelebrated in its miserable lack of being retold. time to stop letting the photograph get away, leaving the hollo, falling feeling that ensues. because that feeling may only last a little while, but that's comparatively..remember? i want to take pictures of the grace. word pictures. i want to store up the comparatively more invaluable pictures of grace, and sing of them loudly.
i think, i have decided, to be an english major. if for no other reason, there will be plentiful opportunity to be reminded to take pictures of His grace.
"Sweet but not saccharine, earnest but not grave..Archer Hairline is designed
to hit just the right notes of forthrightness, credibility, and charm."
i love this quote, but if i didn't know what the author was talking about, i would not have guessed a font. of all things. but that's my point: whoever wrote this worked very hard to choose the words he or she saw most fit to describe the object of description. in this case, the object is wholly undynamic..inactive, unpowerful, and..dead.
it's for the same reason i love jane austen's conversations - we all lament that none of us talk the way "they" did. the words they say to eachother are so formulated - truthfully, it's hard to imagine real people talking about nothing in particular using their best vocabulary. good old jane. i wonder if she knew what she was doing..i bet she did - to be able to hit an honest behavior directly on target the way she does produces some kind of glow. it has a similar feeling to getting a great picture. you know? how it feels when you know you have embedded an image in the memory card SO precious and perfect that it almost makes you afraid to touch the camera, for fear that you might some how accidentally erase it forever. and a picture, comparatively, isn't even that important.
comparatively. compared to the wholly dynamic..active..powerful..living..work of God. how am i, who cannot even come up with an example of something i can't describe, supposed to put to words the acts of a God who is all these things?
it's for the same reason that i love oswald chambers. because on december fifteenth, he writes a thought entitled "approved unto God". rachel just read it to me. and it of course, even though it isn't december fifteenth, (because that doesn't really matter now) he blows us away. it was hearing a piece of his marvelous anthology that drew out the realization that was lurking in my subconscience. the sermon is based on 2 Timothy 2:15, which says this:
"Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not
need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth."
i don't think i would have interpreted this bit of scripture the way he does, and maybe i wouldn't have even gotten from his thoughts what i did if i had not heard it from my friend. here is what he says:
"Struggle to re-express some truth of God to yourself, and God will use that expression to
someone else...Go through the winepress of God where the grapes are crushed. You
must struggle to get expression experimentally..."
it is annoying to have to leave out anything but the whole thought. but this is more or less the concept i am - ironically - struggling to put on the table. i am well acquainted with "truth that has been dumbly struggling in [me] for utterance." i think many of us are. why should we let the truth struggle, when we can fight to set it free? oswald is a reminding us that it is not only a possibility, but a responsibility to work hard enough to say the things that are true...it is most important that we take hold of our right to 'freeing of speech', if you will. and while i am here, this will be my striving point. yes. i am striving to follow the Lord. and as i am, i will strive to find the words that may only brush their feathers against justice to what things He has done. oh, great things He has done.
as the old hymn says: oh tell of His might, oh sing of His grace...it's time now to stop letting the grace go by, uncelebrated in its miserable lack of being retold. time to stop letting the photograph get away, leaving the hollo, falling feeling that ensues. because that feeling may only last a little while, but that's comparatively..remember? i want to take pictures of the grace. word pictures. i want to store up the comparatively more invaluable pictures of grace, and sing of them loudly.
i think, i have decided, to be an english major. if for no other reason, there will be plentiful opportunity to be reminded to take pictures of His grace.
8.29.2010
nug life 101
i have arrived in nugget town, praise the Lord! i cannot believe how blessed i am to be sitting here..in this new house, completely whelmed (which IS a word, in case you were wondering..right, mom? ;) by the blessings.
i realized last night, as fear was beginning to set in over dad and cj leaving...that now that i'm here, i get to wait on the Lord for Him to show me what He's brought me here for...and what sweeter thing could there be but to wait on the Lord and follow His lead?
on top of it, shelley and katie and i just watched pride and prejudice. which i have forgotten how much i love. so, yes, to be absolutely cliche, i will quote lizzy: completely, perfectly, incandescently happy...is how i feel. the Lord has given me so much hope in Him, so much to strive towards, and so much to look forward to. i hope that if you are reading this, and haven't known Him to be such a God, that you will discover Him to be so!
^ this is a cop-out. i didn't take it. but i have seen a view like this over the trees! i'll take my own soon, i hope.
i know this is a pretty sad post. but hopefully, i'll be more specific as this gets to feeling more natural. the truth is, it feels kind of funny to be doing this at all! but i super want to keep you posted...so i'm going to stick with it. i just need to give it some time to get a feel for it, to feel like i'm not talking to myself :) it'll come.
i realized last night, as fear was beginning to set in over dad and cj leaving...that now that i'm here, i get to wait on the Lord for Him to show me what He's brought me here for...and what sweeter thing could there be but to wait on the Lord and follow His lead?
on top of it, shelley and katie and i just watched pride and prejudice. which i have forgotten how much i love. so, yes, to be absolutely cliche, i will quote lizzy: completely, perfectly, incandescently happy...is how i feel. the Lord has given me so much hope in Him, so much to strive towards, and so much to look forward to. i hope that if you are reading this, and haven't known Him to be such a God, that you will discover Him to be so!
i know this is a pretty sad post. but hopefully, i'll be more specific as this gets to feeling more natural. the truth is, it feels kind of funny to be doing this at all! but i super want to keep you posted...so i'm going to stick with it. i just need to give it some time to get a feel for it, to feel like i'm not talking to myself :) it'll come.
8.24.2010
more rain, no longer monday
i woke up this morning to wild thing telling me the latest plan...which is that we're leaving today, at threeish! which was surprising...and sad. i finally felt what i normally feel when something is about to change...the panicked search for the nonexistant plug i want to pull, to stop the whole operation and pretend the idea was never born, to keep living life just as it is. i love the idea of embracing change, i just struggle with the reality that comes with. after halway pulling myself together, i re-read Psalm 19...which i read yesterday, too, and found such affirmation in it. especially verses seven and eight, which say this:
"The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
The precepts of the Lord are right,
giving joy to the heart."
it reads more like a proverb, really. but what it said to me is that if i believe that the way of the Lord is perfect...that He is trustworthy, that He is right...then i can also find restoration and joy in Him. and He will make sense of the things that don't. He will do for me what i cannot do for myself.
yesterday our car was not ready to leave town when we were...and even though it felt yucky to think that maybe we were out of line...or that we shouldn't have trusted that it was the right car...etc. there are a hundred possible ways to lament misfortune. but there is one all-encompassing, infinitely sweeter principle - which is to trust in the Lord. Praise God that He is giving me so many opportunities to expand my trust...i surely need it.
and so, we continue to pray. and to trust. and to love.
"The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
The precepts of the Lord are right,
giving joy to the heart."
it reads more like a proverb, really. but what it said to me is that if i believe that the way of the Lord is perfect...that He is trustworthy, that He is right...then i can also find restoration and joy in Him. and He will make sense of the things that don't. He will do for me what i cannot do for myself.
yesterday our car was not ready to leave town when we were...and even though it felt yucky to think that maybe we were out of line...or that we shouldn't have trusted that it was the right car...etc. there are a hundred possible ways to lament misfortune. but there is one all-encompassing, infinitely sweeter principle - which is to trust in the Lord. Praise God that He is giving me so many opportunities to expand my trust...i surely need it.
and so, we continue to pray. and to trust. and to love.
8.23.2010
just today.
did i mention that i have only been home for three weeks? and everything - i mean everything, i.e. credits transferring, car hunting...car purchasing, home-finding, date-setting, liscence getting (actually, we're still working on that part. but we'll get there). you get it...all of the elements of making a move, a million calls and arrangements it seems, have happened in three weeks. my dad has been the hero of making it happen - he just jumped in and knew what to do, which he's really good at in general. then mom has been the hero of keeping dad okay, especially today. oh my goodness. let me tell you about today.
today was going to be the day that we left - dad, cj and i - because i didn't mention it before, but this is a move-slash-college-visit-tour. so we're all going. and there is that part about i can't legally - or even illegally - drive yet. don't get me wrong, i am so excited to visit colleges with my sister (guess that's the little admissions intern in me) but it does add another element for an already-too-unreal adventure.
so yes, today was going to be the day. until we discovered that the jeep we bought for the purpose of said adventure is not ready to go. and she needs more than just a little work. now, finding and buying this car has been a big part of these past few weeks, and it was somewhat of an act of faith just trusting that it was a wise purchase. so now we're in a position of needint to trust again...i really have no idea how all of this will work out, but you know what? i have seen that it is so much more important to fully rely on the Lord than to try to fix stuff like this myself, or even to lament the situation. it is what it is, and i want us all (my family and i) to come away from this having learned more about trusting and the God in whom we trust. and so, we pray. please pray with us:
- that God would make a way for us to go through with this move, if it is His will, and that we would heed his instruction in this time of complete...i don't know, not-control.
- that we would be given wisdom as to how to handle the financial decisions that need to be made in this time
- that He would alleviate anxiety and instill peace. deep, lasting peace, in our hearts, to see us through this bump in the road.
He is making all things work together for my good. I know it, beyond any shadow of doubt. I hope that you are being given opportunities to trust in the Lord as well, even in these little things - how sweet it is to know and trust in Him!
today was going to be the day that we left - dad, cj and i - because i didn't mention it before, but this is a move-slash-college-visit-tour. so we're all going. and there is that part about i can't legally - or even illegally - drive yet. don't get me wrong, i am so excited to visit colleges with my sister (guess that's the little admissions intern in me) but it does add another element for an already-too-unreal adventure.
so yes, today was going to be the day. until we discovered that the jeep we bought for the purpose of said adventure is not ready to go. and she needs more than just a little work. now, finding and buying this car has been a big part of these past few weeks, and it was somewhat of an act of faith just trusting that it was a wise purchase. so now we're in a position of needint to trust again...i really have no idea how all of this will work out, but you know what? i have seen that it is so much more important to fully rely on the Lord than to try to fix stuff like this myself, or even to lament the situation. it is what it is, and i want us all (my family and i) to come away from this having learned more about trusting and the God in whom we trust. and so, we pray. please pray with us:
- that God would make a way for us to go through with this move, if it is His will, and that we would heed his instruction in this time of complete...i don't know, not-control.
- that we would be given wisdom as to how to handle the financial decisions that need to be made in this time
- that He would alleviate anxiety and instill peace. deep, lasting peace, in our hearts, to see us through this bump in the road.
He is making all things work together for my good. I know it, beyond any shadow of doubt. I hope that you are being given opportunities to trust in the Lord as well, even in these little things - how sweet it is to know and trust in Him!
if i haven't already told you...
here it is, in fast-forward: i had the opportunity to go away this summer with campus outreach on summer leadership project, which is a time when college students from different campuses in a designated region go to the beach to live, work, and learn about God. essentially. it isn't hard to describe, exactly, but it is hard to convey the essence. what i can tell you is, i learned vastly about God, myself, and about real, practical faith. i found vocabulary for things i previously could not describe, but could only feel. though there wasn't as much time for reflection as i might have liked (which truthfully would have been an inordinate amount for any reasonable person) the Lord still made clear the lessons he had for me. the story of this summer certainly has much to offer as a testimony of His absolute greatness.
that said, the Lord really showed me the importance of finding a community that enables us to run after Him with everything we've got. i know that He has given me the desire to pursue Him, and to meet that desire, He has given me a new community to grow into. so, i am leaving home, and leaving Gordon - two communities that have blessed me (and continue to bless me) enormously, to walk this other path.
was that vague enough for you? realistically, what it means is i'm moving down to Georgia, where i will (1) finish college at a state school where i can (2) be involved with the ministry that campus outreach is already establishing there. i am moving into a house with five girls i met this summer, who have so graciously accepted my coming and welcomed me into their home. and after that...well, that's God's call.
there is no other way to describe this decision other than natural. different from other choices or turning points in my life, i did not hear the voice telling me which actions to take. rather, all of the pieces came together first in my mind, then in reality. which left me in the position where i really needed to believe that this is something the Lord has for me - and friends, it has been a journey of its own, but by the grace of God i have come to believe in His purpose in this practical, everyday, reality thing.
so, there it is. the only version i know how to tell - i am yet to relay this story with ease or eloquence. i am choosing to believe that far too much of it was divinely orchestrated for it to completely make mortal sense. but it doesn't have to. i am totally okay with that.
that said, the Lord really showed me the importance of finding a community that enables us to run after Him with everything we've got. i know that He has given me the desire to pursue Him, and to meet that desire, He has given me a new community to grow into. so, i am leaving home, and leaving Gordon - two communities that have blessed me (and continue to bless me) enormously, to walk this other path.
was that vague enough for you? realistically, what it means is i'm moving down to Georgia, where i will (1) finish college at a state school where i can (2) be involved with the ministry that campus outreach is already establishing there. i am moving into a house with five girls i met this summer, who have so graciously accepted my coming and welcomed me into their home. and after that...well, that's God's call.
there is no other way to describe this decision other than natural. different from other choices or turning points in my life, i did not hear the voice telling me which actions to take. rather, all of the pieces came together first in my mind, then in reality. which left me in the position where i really needed to believe that this is something the Lord has for me - and friends, it has been a journey of its own, but by the grace of God i have come to believe in His purpose in this practical, everyday, reality thing.
so, there it is. the only version i know how to tell - i am yet to relay this story with ease or eloquence. i am choosing to believe that far too much of it was divinely orchestrated for it to completely make mortal sense. but it doesn't have to. i am totally okay with that.
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