the first rain!

disclaimer: these are all just, thoughts.  there is no real conclusion...there are no real points.  the only incentive i had to post it was, i spent too much time attempting to let it get away.
---
it's been much longer than i thought!  i'll be honest.  i've been avoiding the next post.  partly because i still don't know how really to be a blogger, which is kind of funny.  and partly because i still don't know how to tell you what's really going on.  but regarding the last post, because it is both possible and an adopted responsibility, i will do my best.
i have to point out the date..nine eleven.  remebering it now is kind of like waking up startled, and panicking for a second, thinking maybe you're late for something.  it's distant enough to need that second of re-introduction, before the old recently-wounded feeling sets in.  recognizing the date this year feels different, for some reason.
it rained today.  i could tell it was going to when i woke up.  it's the first time that it's rained since i've been here, and finally, in the middle of the soccer game, at 8:15, it started to rain. 
both of these things feel really significant, though i'm not too sure why.  nine eleven is significant, but in a terrible way.  i must not be an optimist because i can't think of one single good thing that has come out of nine eleven.  but remembering it feels strongly...the memory has resonance that it didn't before.
the rain is significant too, for earthy reasons.  and there is a lot fo symbolism in the rain, for some people.  it's easier to make things sad on a rainy day.  but today, rain is significant because it is the first rain of this phase of my life. 
something that affects virtually everyone, not heeding anyone's sanction.
and something that affects only me.
i'm not sure if i'll find a conclusion here.  these are all just thoughts, and if i hadn't been adding to this post at different points all of today, i probably wouldn't publish it.  i guess that says something about me.  i keep.  i don't like to scrap something i've worked on just to start over from the same things.  these are more thoughts...it's a good time to just, stop.  the moral of the story is, i feel different.  and differently.  something is changing..or has changed.  i want to wait and see what this has all been about.